Most quotable movies: The Simpsons Movie
The Simpsons Movie is the most recently released movie to feature in the "Most Quotable Movies" series on this blog.
I'll admit that the first time I watched The Simpsons Movie, I enjoyed it, but ultimately couldn't view it as anything more than an extended episode of the TV series.
However, having now seen the film 4 times since its cinema release, I've grown convinced of its comic genius. The Simpsons Movie is damn funny, combining hilarious sight gags, one-liners, wisecracks and some very taunt scripting. I'm actually very disappointed that The Simpsons Movie wasn't nominated in the Best Animated Film category at this year's Academy Awards. D'oh! Big mistake, Hollywood.
Anyway, here are some of the highlight quotes from the movie:
---------------------------------------------------------------------
President Schwarzenegger: I was elected to *lead*, not to *read*. Number Three!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Montgomery Burns: Well, for once, the rich white man is in control.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: Thank you, Boob Lady!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EPA Passenger: Look, we can't keep stopping at every "sop", "yeld", or "one vay" sign!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Agnes Skinner: [pointing to Bart who skateboards past naked] Don't look where I'm pointing!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: That could be anybody's Pig Crap silo.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Margge giggles]
Homer Simpson: You smiled! I'm off the hook!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge Simpson: Despite everything, I miss your father.
Bart Simpson: Me too... his big fat ass could shield us all.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Title Card: To be continued.
[pause]
Title Card: Immediately.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: What are you telling us, were trapped like rats?
Russ Cargill: No, rats can't be trapped this easily, you're trapped like... carrots.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart Simpson: [on the blackboard, in the open sequence] I will not illegally download this movie.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa Simpson: But I'm so angry.
Marge Simpson: You're a woman. You can hold on to it forever.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: Maggie! You were the greatest accident ever to have happened.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: So, we meet at last, whoever you are.
Russ Cargill: There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun, I'm going to do both right now.
Bart Simpson: Wait! But if you kill my dad, I'll never know where the treasure is buried!
Russ Cargill: What treasure?
Bart Simpson: Uhm, the treasure of Ima Wiener.
Russ Cargill: I'm a wiener?
[Homer and Bart laugh]
Homer Simpson: Classic!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge Simpson: Thanks for coming over.
Comic Book Guy: [happily] Thanks for giving me your pregnancy pants; I've never known comfort like this.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: Okay, epiphany, epiphany... oh I know! Bananas are an excellent source of potassium!
[gets slapped]
Homer Simpson: Ow! Uh, America will never embrace soccer.
[gets slapped]
Homer Simpson: More than two shakes and it's playing with yourself?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EPA Official: S-sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power...
Russ Cargill: Of course I have. You ever tried going mad without power? It's boring. No one listens to you!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer is whipping the dogs pulling his sled]
Homer Simpson: Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs jump over a cliff] Jump! Jump!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs land on the other side] Land! Land!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs take a breather] Rest! Rest!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs pull the sled again] Run! Run!
Homer Simpson: [Homer sets up camp and begins removing the dog muzzles] Okay, I know we've had a rough day, but I'm sure we can put that all behind us and...
Homer Simpson: [the dogs start attacking Homer, causing him to scream in pain] AGH! Not my whipping arm!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs leave Homer stranded] Why does everything I whip leave me?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: "Epa"? What does that mean?
Comic Book Guy: I think that's what the Green Lantern said when Sinestro threw him into a vat of acid: EEEEPAAH!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned Flanders: Thank you, Lord, for this bountiful...
Ned Flanders: [screams] PENIS!
Rod Flanders, Todd Flanders: [devoutly] ... bountiful penis.
Todd Flanders: Amen.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Kent Brockman: Now, Channel 6 does not endorse vigilante violence. Unless it gets results... which it *will*.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EPA Passenger: There's something strange about that 'Sop' sign...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Grampa: Homer? What are you doing now?
Homer Simpson: Risking my life to save people I hate for reasons I don't quite understand. Gotta go!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge Simpson: Doomsday is family time!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lou: Listen, kid, no one likes wearing clothes in public. But, you know, it's the law!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: Well... they're China's problem now.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Nelson Muntz: I'm using a RED arrow, so I know who I kill!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom Hanks: This is Tom Hanks saying, if you see me in person, please leave me be.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: [shuffling through the snow while talking to himself] Must keep going! Must keep going! Oh, I can't, I can't keep going. Yes, you can! No, I can't! Oh, shut up! You shut up! No, you! No, you! No, you! Oh, real mature. How could you say that?!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Home Simpson: D'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHME!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa Simpson: This town is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare! But I knew you wouldn't listen. So I took the liberty of pouring water from the lake in all your drinking glasses!
[everyone spits out their water in disgust]
Moe: See, this is why we should hate kids!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[to the angry mob, as Homer tries to escape through the sinkhole]
Moe: The top of his head is still showing! Claw at it!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge Simpson: I hate being late!
Homer Simpson: Well I hate going. Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way, by praying like hell on my death bed.
Marge Simpson: Homer, they can hear you inside!
Homer Simpson: Relax! Those pious morons are too busy talking to their phoney-baloney God!
[the family enter the church to total silence and angry looks. They make their way to their pew]
Homer Simpson: How ya doin'? Peace be with you. Praise Jebus.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: We have a great life here in Alaska, and we're never going back to America again!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: I'll let you hold the bomb...
Bart Simpson: The man knows me!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: [while choking Bart for laughing at him] I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Krusty the Clown: If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Russ Cargill: Springfield has become...
Man: Woooo! Springfield!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mayor Quimby: I hereby declare a state of emergency: Code Black.
Lenny: Black? That's the worst color there is.
[Lenny turns to Carl, his black friend]
Lenny: No offense there, Carl.
Carl: I get it all the time.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned Flanders: Ok, boys, when you meet Jesus, be sure to call Him Mr. Christ.
Todd Flanders: Will Buddha be there?
Ned Flanders: No.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: I can't believe we're paying to see something we get on TV for free! If you ask me, everybody in this theater is a giant sucker! Especially you!
[points to us]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Montgomery Burns: Smithers... I don't believe in suicide, but if you'd like to try it, it might cheer me up to watch.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Comic Book Guy: I've spent my entire life doing nothing but collecting comic books... and now there's only time to say... LIFE WELL SPENT!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Flanders: I wish Homer was my father.
Ned Flanders: ...and I wish you didn't have the devil's curly hair.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut. Print. Kill the pig.
Homer Simpson: What... you can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: Aw, my boy loves Alaska so much, he's applauding it. Lisa, why aren't you clapping?
Lisa Simpson: But Dad!
Homer Simpson: Clap for Alaska!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dad in Advert: [bored] Here we are kids. The Grand Canyon.
Girl in Advert: Oh, it's so old and boring! I want a new one, NOW!
Tom Hanks: [appears from behind bush] Hello. I'm Tom Hanks. The US Government has lost its credibility, so it's borrowing some of mine.
Boy in Advert: Ruffle my hair, Mr. Hanks!
Tom Hanks: Sure thing, son. ....This is Tom Hanks saying, if you're gonna pick a government to trust, why not this one?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: I dunno what to tell you, Marge! I don't think about things. I mean, I respect those who do, but... I just try and make the day not hurt until I can crawl back in with you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: [flipping frantically through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: [gets up to leave and stops in the aisle] Ooh, floor popcorn!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
NSA Worker: Hey everybody, I found one! The government actually found someone we're looking for! YEAH, BABY, YEAH!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Grampa: [shouting from church floor] Twisted Tail... A thousand eyes... Trapped forever!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart Simpson: [poking mutant squirrel's eyes] Jabby-jabby-jab-jab-jab!
Male EPA Worker: Hey! Jab one more eye and it's a federal crime!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: [Pig nudges the plank the Simpsons are using to escape] No, Plopper. If you push that, daddy will die.
Pig: [looks at Homer and pushes plank] Oink.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: [looking at the 'Pig Crap' silo] Ugh, it's leaking! [drips of feces are falling from the top of the silo to the ground]
Homer: It's not leaking, it's overflowing.
Marge: He filled up the silo in just two days?
Homer Simpson: [proudly] Well, I helped.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart Simpson: [blushing] Did you at least bring my clothes?
Homer Simpson: Shirt, socks, everything you need.
Bart Simpson: [covering up privates] You didn't bring my pants!
Homer Simpson: Who am I, Tommy Bahama?
Bart Simpson: [face is completely red, sobs] This is the worst day of my life.
Homer Simpson: The worst day of your life *so far*.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge Simpson: Bart, are you drinking whiskey?
Bart Simpson: I'm troubled.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Robot: ... ahhh, so much pressure... PRESSURE!
[grabs Chief Wiggum's gun and shoots itself in the head]
Chief Wiggum: He was talking about it, but I never took him seriously.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa Simpson: I haven't seen you at school
Colin: Just moved from Ireland. My dad's a musician.
Lisa Simpson: Is he...?
Colin: He's not Bono.
Lisa Simpson: I just thought because you're Irish and you care about...
Colin: He's NOT Bono.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge Simpson: How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?
[cuts to Homer holding a pig to the ceiling]
Homer Simpson: [singing Tune to Spider-Man Theme Song] Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig. / Does whatever a Spider-Pig does. / Can he swing / from a web? / No he *can't*, / He's a pig. / Look out! / He is the Spider-Pig!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa Simpson: [during end credits] It looks like Maggie has something to say!
Marge Simpson: Oh my God! Her first word!
Maggie Simpson: [takes pacifier out of mouth]
[pause]
Maggie Simpson: Sequel?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: Homer do good?
Bart Simpson: Actually, you've doomed us all. Again.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: He's not Spider-Pig anymore, he's Harry Plopper.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned Flanders: The Good Lord is telling me to confess to something...
Homer Simpson: [whispering hopefully, with his fingers crossed] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay...
Ned Flanders: An immodest sense of pride in our comunity.
[pause]
Reverend Lovejoy: Somebody else.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Russ Cargill: The pollution in Springfield has reached crisis levels
President Schwarzenegger: Ach! I hate this job. Everything is "crisis this" and "end-of-the-world that"! No one opens with a joke! I miss Danny DeVito.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa's Little Helper: [subtitled] I did things no dog should. They will haunt me forever.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa Simpson: [Lisa and Colin are pressing their hands against the glass] I never thought my life would have an absolutely perfect moment, but this...
Bart Simpson: [sing-song] Lisa's got a boyfriend / That she'll never see again!
[Lisa cold-cocks Bart]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bart is skateboarding naked across town]
Ralph Wiggum: [brightly] I like men now.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: [shouting at a naked Bart] Stop, in the name of American squeamishness!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: What's wrong, son?
Bart: You really wanna know?
Homer: Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about.... a PIG WEARING A HAT!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Dad, it's not fair to use a bug zapper to catch the fish.
Homer: If you love fish like I do, you'll want them to die with dignity!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: No, I still haven't told you the best part! He cares about the environment! No! I still haven't told you the best part! He's got an [with a heavy Irish accent] Irish brogue! No, wait, I still haven't told you the best part! He's not imaginary!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: [nudging Plopper] Don't get any ideas, huh?
[They laugh, and Homer falls off the couch, ending up at eye level with Plopper.]
Homer: [awkward silence] Maybe we should kiss, just to break the tension...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Russ Cargill: [To the president] You know, sir, when you made me head to the EPA, you were applauded for appointing one of the most successful men of the America to the least successful agency in government. And why did I take the job? Cause I'm a rich man, and wanted to give something back. Not the money, but something.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Russ Cargill: Well then you find 'em, and you get 'em back in the dome! And to make sure nobody else gets out, I want roving death squads around the peremeter 24-7! I want 10,000 tough guys, and I want 10,000 soft guys to make the tough guys look tougher! And here's how I want them arranged: tough, soft, tough, tough, soft, tough, soft, soft, tough, tough, soft, soft, tough, soft.
EPA Soldier: Sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power.
Russ Cargill: Oh, of course I have. Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring, no one listens to you!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Russ Cargill: I was tricked by an idiot!
Cletus: Hey, I know how you feel. I was beat at Tic Tac Toe by a chicken.
[pause]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge Simpson: Mmmm, best kiss of my life.
Homer Simpson: Best kiss of your life, so far.
I'll admit that the first time I watched The Simpsons Movie, I enjoyed it, but ultimately couldn't view it as anything more than an extended episode of the TV series.
However, having now seen the film 4 times since its cinema release, I've grown convinced of its comic genius. The Simpsons Movie is damn funny, combining hilarious sight gags, one-liners, wisecracks and some very taunt scripting. I'm actually very disappointed that The Simpsons Movie wasn't nominated in the Best Animated Film category at this year's Academy Awards. D'oh! Big mistake, Hollywood.
Anyway, here are some of the highlight quotes from the movie:
---------------------------------------------------------------------
President Schwarzenegger: I was elected to *lead*, not to *read*. Number Three!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Montgomery Burns: Well, for once, the rich white man is in control.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: Thank you, Boob Lady!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EPA Passenger: Look, we can't keep stopping at every "sop", "yeld", or "one vay" sign!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Agnes Skinner: [pointing to Bart who skateboards past naked] Don't look where I'm pointing!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: That could be anybody's Pig Crap silo.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Margge giggles]
Homer Simpson: You smiled! I'm off the hook!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge Simpson: Despite everything, I miss your father.
Bart Simpson: Me too... his big fat ass could shield us all.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Title Card: To be continued.
[pause]
Title Card: Immediately.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: What are you telling us, were trapped like rats?
Russ Cargill: No, rats can't be trapped this easily, you're trapped like... carrots.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart Simpson: [on the blackboard, in the open sequence] I will not illegally download this movie.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa Simpson: But I'm so angry.
Marge Simpson: You're a woman. You can hold on to it forever.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: Maggie! You were the greatest accident ever to have happened.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: So, we meet at last, whoever you are.
Russ Cargill: There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun, I'm going to do both right now.
Bart Simpson: Wait! But if you kill my dad, I'll never know where the treasure is buried!
Russ Cargill: What treasure?
Bart Simpson: Uhm, the treasure of Ima Wiener.
Russ Cargill: I'm a wiener?
[Homer and Bart laugh]
Homer Simpson: Classic!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge Simpson: Thanks for coming over.
Comic Book Guy: [happily] Thanks for giving me your pregnancy pants; I've never known comfort like this.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: Okay, epiphany, epiphany... oh I know! Bananas are an excellent source of potassium!
[gets slapped]
Homer Simpson: Ow! Uh, America will never embrace soccer.
[gets slapped]
Homer Simpson: More than two shakes and it's playing with yourself?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EPA Official: S-sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power...
Russ Cargill: Of course I have. You ever tried going mad without power? It's boring. No one listens to you!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer is whipping the dogs pulling his sled]
Homer Simpson: Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs jump over a cliff] Jump! Jump!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs land on the other side] Land! Land!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs take a breather] Rest! Rest!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs pull the sled again] Run! Run!
Homer Simpson: [Homer sets up camp and begins removing the dog muzzles] Okay, I know we've had a rough day, but I'm sure we can put that all behind us and...
Homer Simpson: [the dogs start attacking Homer, causing him to scream in pain] AGH! Not my whipping arm!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs leave Homer stranded] Why does everything I whip leave me?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: "Epa"? What does that mean?
Comic Book Guy: I think that's what the Green Lantern said when Sinestro threw him into a vat of acid: EEEEPAAH!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned Flanders: Thank you, Lord, for this bountiful...
Ned Flanders: [screams] PENIS!
Rod Flanders, Todd Flanders: [devoutly] ... bountiful penis.
Todd Flanders: Amen.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Kent Brockman: Now, Channel 6 does not endorse vigilante violence. Unless it gets results... which it *will*.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EPA Passenger: There's something strange about that 'Sop' sign...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Grampa: Homer? What are you doing now?
Homer Simpson: Risking my life to save people I hate for reasons I don't quite understand. Gotta go!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge Simpson: Doomsday is family time!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lou: Listen, kid, no one likes wearing clothes in public. But, you know, it's the law!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: Well... they're China's problem now.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Nelson Muntz: I'm using a RED arrow, so I know who I kill!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom Hanks: This is Tom Hanks saying, if you see me in person, please leave me be.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: [shuffling through the snow while talking to himself] Must keep going! Must keep going! Oh, I can't, I can't keep going. Yes, you can! No, I can't! Oh, shut up! You shut up! No, you! No, you! No, you! Oh, real mature. How could you say that?!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Home Simpson: D'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHME!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa Simpson: This town is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare! But I knew you wouldn't listen. So I took the liberty of pouring water from the lake in all your drinking glasses!
[everyone spits out their water in disgust]
Moe: See, this is why we should hate kids!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[to the angry mob, as Homer tries to escape through the sinkhole]
Moe: The top of his head is still showing! Claw at it!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge Simpson: I hate being late!
Homer Simpson: Well I hate going. Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way, by praying like hell on my death bed.
Marge Simpson: Homer, they can hear you inside!
Homer Simpson: Relax! Those pious morons are too busy talking to their phoney-baloney God!
[the family enter the church to total silence and angry looks. They make their way to their pew]
Homer Simpson: How ya doin'? Peace be with you. Praise Jebus.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: We have a great life here in Alaska, and we're never going back to America again!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: I'll let you hold the bomb...
Bart Simpson: The man knows me!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: [while choking Bart for laughing at him] I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Krusty the Clown: If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Russ Cargill: Springfield has become...
Man: Woooo! Springfield!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mayor Quimby: I hereby declare a state of emergency: Code Black.
Lenny: Black? That's the worst color there is.
[Lenny turns to Carl, his black friend]
Lenny: No offense there, Carl.
Carl: I get it all the time.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned Flanders: Ok, boys, when you meet Jesus, be sure to call Him Mr. Christ.
Todd Flanders: Will Buddha be there?
Ned Flanders: No.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: I can't believe we're paying to see something we get on TV for free! If you ask me, everybody in this theater is a giant sucker! Especially you!
[points to us]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Montgomery Burns: Smithers... I don't believe in suicide, but if you'd like to try it, it might cheer me up to watch.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Comic Book Guy: I've spent my entire life doing nothing but collecting comic books... and now there's only time to say... LIFE WELL SPENT!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Flanders: I wish Homer was my father.
Ned Flanders: ...and I wish you didn't have the devil's curly hair.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut. Print. Kill the pig.
Homer Simpson: What... you can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: Aw, my boy loves Alaska so much, he's applauding it. Lisa, why aren't you clapping?
Lisa Simpson: But Dad!
Homer Simpson: Clap for Alaska!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dad in Advert: [bored] Here we are kids. The Grand Canyon.
Girl in Advert: Oh, it's so old and boring! I want a new one, NOW!
Tom Hanks: [appears from behind bush] Hello. I'm Tom Hanks. The US Government has lost its credibility, so it's borrowing some of mine.
Boy in Advert: Ruffle my hair, Mr. Hanks!
Tom Hanks: Sure thing, son. ....This is Tom Hanks saying, if you're gonna pick a government to trust, why not this one?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: I dunno what to tell you, Marge! I don't think about things. I mean, I respect those who do, but... I just try and make the day not hurt until I can crawl back in with you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: [flipping frantically through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: [gets up to leave and stops in the aisle] Ooh, floor popcorn!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
NSA Worker: Hey everybody, I found one! The government actually found someone we're looking for! YEAH, BABY, YEAH!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Grampa: [shouting from church floor] Twisted Tail... A thousand eyes... Trapped forever!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart Simpson: [poking mutant squirrel's eyes] Jabby-jabby-jab-jab-jab!
Male EPA Worker: Hey! Jab one more eye and it's a federal crime!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: [Pig nudges the plank the Simpsons are using to escape] No, Plopper. If you push that, daddy will die.
Pig: [looks at Homer and pushes plank] Oink.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: [looking at the 'Pig Crap' silo] Ugh, it's leaking! [drips of feces are falling from the top of the silo to the ground]
Homer: It's not leaking, it's overflowing.
Marge: He filled up the silo in just two days?
Homer Simpson: [proudly] Well, I helped.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart Simpson: [blushing] Did you at least bring my clothes?
Homer Simpson: Shirt, socks, everything you need.
Bart Simpson: [covering up privates] You didn't bring my pants!
Homer Simpson: Who am I, Tommy Bahama?
Bart Simpson: [face is completely red, sobs] This is the worst day of my life.
Homer Simpson: The worst day of your life *so far*.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge Simpson: Bart, are you drinking whiskey?
Bart Simpson: I'm troubled.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Robot: ... ahhh, so much pressure... PRESSURE!
[grabs Chief Wiggum's gun and shoots itself in the head]
Chief Wiggum: He was talking about it, but I never took him seriously.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa Simpson: I haven't seen you at school
Colin: Just moved from Ireland. My dad's a musician.
Lisa Simpson: Is he...?
Colin: He's not Bono.
Lisa Simpson: I just thought because you're Irish and you care about...
Colin: He's NOT Bono.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge Simpson: How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?
[cuts to Homer holding a pig to the ceiling]
Homer Simpson: [singing Tune to Spider-Man Theme Song] Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig. / Does whatever a Spider-Pig does. / Can he swing / from a web? / No he *can't*, / He's a pig. / Look out! / He is the Spider-Pig!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa Simpson: [during end credits] It looks like Maggie has something to say!
Marge Simpson: Oh my God! Her first word!
Maggie Simpson: [takes pacifier out of mouth]
[pause]
Maggie Simpson: Sequel?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: Homer do good?
Bart Simpson: Actually, you've doomed us all. Again.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Simpson: He's not Spider-Pig anymore, he's Harry Plopper.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned Flanders: The Good Lord is telling me to confess to something...
Homer Simpson: [whispering hopefully, with his fingers crossed] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay...
Ned Flanders: An immodest sense of pride in our comunity.
[pause]
Reverend Lovejoy: Somebody else.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Russ Cargill: The pollution in Springfield has reached crisis levels
President Schwarzenegger: Ach! I hate this job. Everything is "crisis this" and "end-of-the-world that"! No one opens with a joke! I miss Danny DeVito.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa's Little Helper: [subtitled] I did things no dog should. They will haunt me forever.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa Simpson: [Lisa and Colin are pressing their hands against the glass] I never thought my life would have an absolutely perfect moment, but this...
Bart Simpson: [sing-song] Lisa's got a boyfriend / That she'll never see again!
[Lisa cold-cocks Bart]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bart is skateboarding naked across town]
Ralph Wiggum: [brightly] I like men now.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Wiggum: [shouting at a naked Bart] Stop, in the name of American squeamishness!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: What's wrong, son?
Bart: You really wanna know?
Homer: Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about.... a PIG WEARING A HAT!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Dad, it's not fair to use a bug zapper to catch the fish.
Homer: If you love fish like I do, you'll want them to die with dignity!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: No, I still haven't told you the best part! He cares about the environment! No! I still haven't told you the best part! He's got an [with a heavy Irish accent] Irish brogue! No, wait, I still haven't told you the best part! He's not imaginary!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: [nudging Plopper] Don't get any ideas, huh?
[They laugh, and Homer falls off the couch, ending up at eye level with Plopper.]
Homer: [awkward silence] Maybe we should kiss, just to break the tension...
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Russ Cargill: [To the president] You know, sir, when you made me head to the EPA, you were applauded for appointing one of the most successful men of the America to the least successful agency in government. And why did I take the job? Cause I'm a rich man, and wanted to give something back. Not the money, but something.
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Russ Cargill: Well then you find 'em, and you get 'em back in the dome! And to make sure nobody else gets out, I want roving death squads around the peremeter 24-7! I want 10,000 tough guys, and I want 10,000 soft guys to make the tough guys look tougher! And here's how I want them arranged: tough, soft, tough, tough, soft, tough, soft, soft, tough, tough, soft, soft, tough, soft.
EPA Soldier: Sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power.
Russ Cargill: Oh, of course I have. Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring, no one listens to you!
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Russ Cargill: I was tricked by an idiot!
Cletus: Hey, I know how you feel. I was beat at Tic Tac Toe by a chicken.
[pause]
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Marge Simpson: Mmmm, best kiss of my life.
Homer Simpson: Best kiss of your life, so far.
Comments
Bart: You really wanna know?
Homer: Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about.... a PIG WEARING A HAT!
by eskimoes ;)