Most quotable movies: Addams Family Values.
"I'm just like every modern woman trying to have it all. A loving husband, a family. I only wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade." - Morticia Addams
Look, I admit this isn't the most obvious entry in the Most Quotable Movies feature. However, after recently seeing these screenshots from Addams Family Values on My New Plaid Pants, it reminded me of the film's endless series of quips and comedic comebacks. Although the comments are interspersed with some wonderfully twisted sight gags, you really have to listen carefully or you'll miss them.
Being an Adams (one "d" short of an Addams), with a decent resemblance to Christina Ricci's Wednesday character, I admit that the 2 Addams Family movies, with their gloriously twisted black humour, have a special place in in my heart. This said, I think I enjoyed Values more, with its Summer Camp scenes and Joan Cusack's chance to shine. Man, I really need to get both films on DVD.
------------------------------------------------------------
Young Girl: ...and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond under a leaf, in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: [meeting Gomez] Well, isn't he a lady killer!
Gomez: Acquitted.
------------------------------------------------------------
Amanda: Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?
Gary: One of you will be the drowning victim and the one will be our lifesaver.
Amanda: I'll be the victim!
Wednesday: All your life.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: You have enslaved him. You have placed him under some strange sexual spell. I respect that. But please, may we see him?
------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday: I don't want to be in the pageant.
Gary: Don't you want me to realize my vision?
Wednesday: Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character, or the Aristotelian unities.
Gary: Young lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your attitude problem.
------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday: I'm not perky.
Amanda: Well, that's for damn sure.
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: These Addams men, where do you find them?
Morticia: It has to be damp.
------------------------------------------------------------
Pugsley: We don't hug.
Gary: Oh, you're just shy.
Wednesday: We're not shy, we're contagious.
------------------------------------------------------------
Amanda: Why are you dressed like somebody died?
Wednesday: Wait.
------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: He has my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.
------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.
------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: [to Fester] You'll meet someone. Someone very special. Someone who won't press charges.
------------------------------------------------------------
Grandma: An axe! That takes me back...
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: So I killed. So I maimed. So I destroyed one innocent life after another. Aren't I a human being? Don't I yearn, and ache, and... shop? Don't I deserve love... and jewelry? Good-bye everybody! Wish me luck!
The Addams Family: Good luck!
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns, or bombs, or electric chairs, but sometimes people just won’t listen, and so I have to use persuasion - and slides.
[Showing slide pictures]
Debbie Jellinsky: My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or were they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie. In her pretty pink tutu. My Birthday: I was 10, and do you know what they got me? MALIBU. Barbie.
Morticia: Malibu Barbie.
Gomez: The nightmare.
Morticia: The nerve.
Debbie Jellinsky: That's not what I wanted! That's not who I was. I was a Ballerina: graceful, delicate! They had to go.
[the next slide shot shows a burning house]
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: Would you die for me?
Uncle Fester: Yes.
Debbie Jellinsky: Promise?
------------------------------------------------------------
[as an Indian, ad-libbing during a Thanksgiving play]
Wednesday: Wait! We cannot break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play golf, and eat hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They said do not trust the Pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller.... And for all of these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.
------------------------------------------------------------
Delivery Room Doctor: Would you like some anesthesia?
Morticia: No, but do ask the children.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: I'm just like every modern woman trying to have it all. A loving husband, a family. I only wish I had more time to see out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.
------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Fester: Dementia, what a beautiful name.
Dementia: It means "insanity."
Uncle Fester: My name is Fester. It means "to rot."
------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Montgomery: [this is the second nanny] Now children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question: Where is that baby?
Wednesday: Which part?
------------------------------------------------------------
Polly/Nanny: Hello children, I'm polly the puppet. What should we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms!
Wednesday: [holding up devil puppet] Hello Polly, I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul!
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: Wednesday, look at all the other children, their bright little eyes, their friendly eager smiles... Help them.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: So... you still desire me after all these years? The old ball and chain?
Gomez: Forever!
Morticia: I'll get them!
------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday: Pugsley, the baby ways 10 pounds, the cannonball ways 20 pounds, which will hit the stone walkway first?
Pugsley: I'm still on fractions.
Wednesday: Which do you think?
Pugsley: The Cannonball?
Wednesday: Very good. But which one will bounce?
Pugsley: The Baby?
Wednesday: Only one way to find out.
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: You know, when I first saw you, I thought you were European.
Uncle Fester: You did?
Debbie Jellinsky: I did.
Uncle Fester: But... I took a bath.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: Wednesday's at that age when a young girl has only one thing on her mind.
Ellen: Boys?
Wednesday: Homicide.
------------------------------------------------------------
[at Camp Chippewa]
Pugsley: What does chippewa mean?
Gomez: It's an old Indian word.
Wednesday: It means orphan.
------------------------------------------------------------
[At Debbie's house]
Morticia: Where are we?
Grandma: Looks familiar... of course, the gates of hell.
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: I'll be leaving the country very soon.
Ticket Agent: Will you be traveling alone?
Debbie Jellinsky: Yes, I'll be a widow.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: My baby is sick and my husband is dying. Oh Mama, What shall I do?
Grandma: Well, you have a black dress.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: [confronting Debbie in her house] You have gone too far. You have married Fester, you have destroyed his spirit, you have taken him from us. All that I could forgive. But Debbie... pastels?
------------------------------------------------------------
[Grandma waves a skull at Debbie]
Grandma: Luxor, nexor, burst and BURN!
Debbie Jellinsky: What is she doing?
Grandma: Just a curse. Have a nice day.
[air kiss]
------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: I DEMAND JUSTICE! SOMEONE HAS MARRIED MY BROTHER!
Desk sergeant: [sarcasticly] No.
Gomez: She took him to Hawaii
Desk sergeant: [mover cynically] Get out of here!
Gomez: They have moved into a large, expensive home, where they make love CONSTANTLY!
Desk sergeant: I hate when that happens
Gomez: Arrest her at once, without delay!
------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Fester: I'm her husband.
Debbie Jellinsky: Fester!
Uncle Fester: Gimme a kiss.
Debbie Jellinsky: Gimme a twenty.
------------------------------------------------------------
Ron Buckman: Our Amanda's skipped two grades already. How about your boy?
Gomez: [beaming] Probation!
------------------------------------------------------------
Joel: How do I look?
Wednesday: Disturbing
------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: [to Fester] I hope someday you know the indescribable joy of having children, and of paying someone else to raise them.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: Children, do you think that we love the baby more than we love you?
Wednesday, Pugsley: Yes.
Morticia: Do you think that when there's a new baby in the house, one of the other children has to die?
Wednesday, Pugsley: Yes.
Grandma: Well that's just not true - not anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------
Nanny: Now, I've had it up to here! Where is that baby?
Wednesday: Which part?
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: Gomez wonderful news, I'm going to have a child. Right now
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: Fester... are you willing to make the ultimate sacrifice?
Uncle Fester: ...a goat?
------------------------------------------------------------
Joel: I'll never forget you.
Wednesday: You won't?
Joel: No, you're too weird.
------------------------------------------------------------
Joel: Poor Debbie. She was sick.
Wednesday: She wasn't sick. She was sloppy
Joel: What do you mean?
Wednesday: If I were to kill my husband, I'd do it and I wouldn't get caught.
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: But with your looks, your charm... women must follow you everywhere!
Uncle Fester: Store detectives.
------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: Fresh air. The scent of pine... help them.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: One house, three children, so many windows.
------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: To mirth, to merriment... to manslaughter.
Look, I admit this isn't the most obvious entry in the Most Quotable Movies feature. However, after recently seeing these screenshots from Addams Family Values on My New Plaid Pants, it reminded me of the film's endless series of quips and comedic comebacks. Although the comments are interspersed with some wonderfully twisted sight gags, you really have to listen carefully or you'll miss them.
Being an Adams (one "d" short of an Addams), with a decent resemblance to Christina Ricci's Wednesday character, I admit that the 2 Addams Family movies, with their gloriously twisted black humour, have a special place in in my heart. This said, I think I enjoyed Values more, with its Summer Camp scenes and Joan Cusack's chance to shine. Man, I really need to get both films on DVD.
------------------------------------------------------------
Young Girl: ...and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond under a leaf, in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: [meeting Gomez] Well, isn't he a lady killer!
Gomez: Acquitted.
------------------------------------------------------------
Amanda: Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?
Gary: One of you will be the drowning victim and the one will be our lifesaver.
Amanda: I'll be the victim!
Wednesday: All your life.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: You have enslaved him. You have placed him under some strange sexual spell. I respect that. But please, may we see him?
------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday: I don't want to be in the pageant.
Gary: Don't you want me to realize my vision?
Wednesday: Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character, or the Aristotelian unities.
Gary: Young lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your attitude problem.
------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday: I'm not perky.
Amanda: Well, that's for damn sure.
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: These Addams men, where do you find them?
Morticia: It has to be damp.
------------------------------------------------------------
Pugsley: We don't hug.
Gary: Oh, you're just shy.
Wednesday: We're not shy, we're contagious.
------------------------------------------------------------
Amanda: Why are you dressed like somebody died?
Wednesday: Wait.
------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: He has my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.
------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.
------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: [to Fester] You'll meet someone. Someone very special. Someone who won't press charges.
------------------------------------------------------------
Grandma: An axe! That takes me back...
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: So I killed. So I maimed. So I destroyed one innocent life after another. Aren't I a human being? Don't I yearn, and ache, and... shop? Don't I deserve love... and jewelry? Good-bye everybody! Wish me luck!
The Addams Family: Good luck!
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns, or bombs, or electric chairs, but sometimes people just won’t listen, and so I have to use persuasion - and slides.
[Showing slide pictures]
Debbie Jellinsky: My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or were they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie. In her pretty pink tutu. My Birthday: I was 10, and do you know what they got me? MALIBU. Barbie.
Morticia: Malibu Barbie.
Gomez: The nightmare.
Morticia: The nerve.
Debbie Jellinsky: That's not what I wanted! That's not who I was. I was a Ballerina: graceful, delicate! They had to go.
[the next slide shot shows a burning house]
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: Would you die for me?
Uncle Fester: Yes.
Debbie Jellinsky: Promise?
------------------------------------------------------------
[as an Indian, ad-libbing during a Thanksgiving play]
Wednesday: Wait! We cannot break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play golf, and eat hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They said do not trust the Pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller.... And for all of these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.
------------------------------------------------------------
Delivery Room Doctor: Would you like some anesthesia?
Morticia: No, but do ask the children.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: I'm just like every modern woman trying to have it all. A loving husband, a family. I only wish I had more time to see out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.
------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Fester: Dementia, what a beautiful name.
Dementia: It means "insanity."
Uncle Fester: My name is Fester. It means "to rot."
------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Montgomery: [this is the second nanny] Now children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question: Where is that baby?
Wednesday: Which part?
------------------------------------------------------------
Polly/Nanny: Hello children, I'm polly the puppet. What should we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms!
Wednesday: [holding up devil puppet] Hello Polly, I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul!
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: Wednesday, look at all the other children, their bright little eyes, their friendly eager smiles... Help them.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: So... you still desire me after all these years? The old ball and chain?
Gomez: Forever!
Morticia: I'll get them!
------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday: Pugsley, the baby ways 10 pounds, the cannonball ways 20 pounds, which will hit the stone walkway first?
Pugsley: I'm still on fractions.
Wednesday: Which do you think?
Pugsley: The Cannonball?
Wednesday: Very good. But which one will bounce?
Pugsley: The Baby?
Wednesday: Only one way to find out.
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: You know, when I first saw you, I thought you were European.
Uncle Fester: You did?
Debbie Jellinsky: I did.
Uncle Fester: But... I took a bath.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: Wednesday's at that age when a young girl has only one thing on her mind.
Ellen: Boys?
Wednesday: Homicide.
------------------------------------------------------------
[at Camp Chippewa]
Pugsley: What does chippewa mean?
Gomez: It's an old Indian word.
Wednesday: It means orphan.
------------------------------------------------------------
[At Debbie's house]
Morticia: Where are we?
Grandma: Looks familiar... of course, the gates of hell.
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: I'll be leaving the country very soon.
Ticket Agent: Will you be traveling alone?
Debbie Jellinsky: Yes, I'll be a widow.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: My baby is sick and my husband is dying. Oh Mama, What shall I do?
Grandma: Well, you have a black dress.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: [confronting Debbie in her house] You have gone too far. You have married Fester, you have destroyed his spirit, you have taken him from us. All that I could forgive. But Debbie... pastels?
------------------------------------------------------------
[Grandma waves a skull at Debbie]
Grandma: Luxor, nexor, burst and BURN!
Debbie Jellinsky: What is she doing?
Grandma: Just a curse. Have a nice day.
[air kiss]
------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: I DEMAND JUSTICE! SOMEONE HAS MARRIED MY BROTHER!
Desk sergeant: [sarcasticly] No.
Gomez: She took him to Hawaii
Desk sergeant: [mover cynically] Get out of here!
Gomez: They have moved into a large, expensive home, where they make love CONSTANTLY!
Desk sergeant: I hate when that happens
Gomez: Arrest her at once, without delay!
------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Fester: I'm her husband.
Debbie Jellinsky: Fester!
Uncle Fester: Gimme a kiss.
Debbie Jellinsky: Gimme a twenty.
------------------------------------------------------------
Ron Buckman: Our Amanda's skipped two grades already. How about your boy?
Gomez: [beaming] Probation!
------------------------------------------------------------
Joel: How do I look?
Wednesday: Disturbing
------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: [to Fester] I hope someday you know the indescribable joy of having children, and of paying someone else to raise them.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: Children, do you think that we love the baby more than we love you?
Wednesday, Pugsley: Yes.
Morticia: Do you think that when there's a new baby in the house, one of the other children has to die?
Wednesday, Pugsley: Yes.
Grandma: Well that's just not true - not anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------
Nanny: Now, I've had it up to here! Where is that baby?
Wednesday: Which part?
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: Gomez wonderful news, I'm going to have a child. Right now
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: Fester... are you willing to make the ultimate sacrifice?
Uncle Fester: ...a goat?
------------------------------------------------------------
Joel: I'll never forget you.
Wednesday: You won't?
Joel: No, you're too weird.
------------------------------------------------------------
Joel: Poor Debbie. She was sick.
Wednesday: She wasn't sick. She was sloppy
Joel: What do you mean?
Wednesday: If I were to kill my husband, I'd do it and I wouldn't get caught.
------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie Jellinsky: But with your looks, your charm... women must follow you everywhere!
Uncle Fester: Store detectives.
------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: Fresh air. The scent of pine... help them.
------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: One house, three children, so many windows.
------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: To mirth, to merriment... to manslaughter.
Comments
Specaillay the scen with the evil muppet