Hogwarts Bird Flu Scare

Beware spoilers if you haven’t read Harry Potter and The Half-blood Prince. Oh, and please feel free to circulate this around is it tickles your funny bone.

Bird Flu Strikes Hogwarts

A Daily Prophet Exclusive

In the latest in a run of bad luck for Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, avian flu has plunged the school into chaos.

Dozens of students and at least 2 teachers have been admitted to St Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries after their fevers and severe chest colds did not respond to conventional treatment.

Unconfirmed reports suggest St Mungo healers are baffled about the disease, which has already killed over 70 people in Asia. Apparently healers are even consulting with Muggle doctors about how to combat the highly contagious illness. The Ministry of Magic has refused to confirm these rumours.

Until now the wizarding community has been untouched by the bird flu panic sweeping the Muggle world.

Apparently the epidemic at Hogwarts stems from close contact between students and post owls, particularly during morning periods when mail is delivered in the Great Hall while students are breakfasting.

Madam Pomfrey, Hogwarts hospital wing matron, comments, ‘I’ve always been worried about droppings and feathers mixing with the kippers and scrambled eggs. I’m actually surprised we haven’t had any problems before now’.

Hogwarts acting headmistress Minerva McGonagall provided the Daily Prophet with the following brief statement, ‘We are of course doing what we can for sick students and staff. Lessons are however continuing as normal, wherever possible. It is what Albus Dumbledore would have wanted.’

The avian flu is the latest in a series of catastrophes at Hogwarts. The disasters culminated earlier this year with a Death Eater attack on the school grounds. Popular headmaster Albus Dumbledore, former chairman of the International Confederation of Wizards, was killed in the struggle.

There are concerns that Hogwarts will now be closed indefinitely. Many parents are not waiting for an announcement.

Says one concerned Hogwarts parent, ‘First the return of You-Know-Who and now this? I’m in the process of transferring my daughter to Beauxbatons where I’m sure she’ll be safer. The food will be awful there, but Cassandra will have to learn to stomach pale blancmange’.

Meanwhile, the wizarding community of Great Britain is now bracing itself for further cases of avian flu. Despite protests from breeders, the Scottish Hippogriff population has been quarantined as precautionary measure.

There was mild panic in Diagon Alley recently when a phoenix, imported from Greece, was spotted coughing and sneezing. The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures swiftly intervened.

As it turned out, the phoenix had only been exposed to Pepper-up Potion, and has been returned to its owner.


Anonymous said…
hey,i am adding your sites to my favourites because i am a mad on harry potter fan, and I am printing out loads of articles from : "The Daily Prophet." Write about two or three more articles about harry potter, another hogwarts one, and about the gringotts breakout, cheers. Elia.
Anonymous said…
This is delightful! (Not the avian flu, but you know what I mean.)

Thank you so much for permission to "circulate". I a going to a Halloween party as Rita Skeeter and would like to print out a few of these to hand to people as part of my act.

Wonderfully done!


Popular posts from this blog

Is the rebooted Lara Croft gay? Evidence for and against...

Fun for Monday: Your Pop Culture Myers-Briggs Personality Type

Ladies I Love: Part 2 - Rhona Mitra