So Tired…

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Saturday afternoon, 10 Dec

You know, I’m so tired of this. Anyone who has been reading this blog will know how sensitive and emotional I’ve been lately, particularly to being left out of and missing social activities.

I was having a really good Saturday (I’d seen Paul on Friday evening; we’d had fun and everything), and I was looking forward to spending the evening with Paul doing something social, whether with the usual gang, or Paul’s cousin. Afterwards, I was thinking of doing something romantic / sexy for Paul.

At this moment in time I don’t even feel like going to Paul’s house. I’ve been crying again even since I phoned Paul’s house to be told that he had gone to the beach that morning with G and Shirley.

I phoned Paul on his cellphone and immediately receive a joyous account about how they had such a nice day at the beach, enjoying the fresh sea air, complete with going afterwards for jam doughnuts. Everyone sounded so happy on the other side of the line.

I’ve wanted to go for the beach for ages, and I actually spent a good portion of Saturday thinking ‘Well, if the weather is as nice as this tomorrow…’ Surprise surprise, everyone chooses to do it on the morning I am busy- busy, mind you, organising Paul’s embroidered cap as a Christmas present.

I just really hate this kind of thing. Paul’s so happy to go and do things without even telling me. I would A) always always tell him if I received an invite, and B) probably not even go if he couldn’t make it.

I’ve been speaking to my parents and my father’s response was pretty much what was Paul supposed to do if I said I was busy. Still, I just want to be TOLD; I just want to be included. Besides, my activity, didn’t take up the whole morning.

At this very moment in time I’m supposed to be getting ready to go to his house for a DVD evening, with G and Shirley still in tow. That’s the extent of my social experience- sitting passively in front of a TV screen watching some god awful cult comedy that I am so not in the mood for.

How fucking exciting.

And I’m pretty sure tomorrow (Sunday), Paul will be content to sit in front of his PC while I’m expected to amuse myself.

I’m actually free now to do fun and exciting things. Instead I just seem to be filling the hours of my life with nothingness. My weekends are now exactly the same as my weeks, where I pretty much just sit at home trying to keep myself occupied.

I am just so angry that Paul can sow these seeds of doubt in my mind, then go rushing off all happy to carry on as normal, while I’m left miserable.

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Look, if I am wrong about any of my assumptions, and the evening turns out to be better than I'm thinking it will be, it'll be in my next blog update. I can't rule out the role that misunderstanding played in all this drama. I can't, however, help the way that I feel, however over-dramatic it may prove to be.

Comments

Shirley said…
Why do you need Paul to see your friends? Why is it not possible to see your friends without him? Why should you have to sit at home and think of ways to "keep yourself busy" while he's on his own mission when you could easily pick up the phone and organise something with your mates yourself. Invite people over for videos at your place. Meet a friend for coffee.

You make the choice to sit at home by yourself and ruminate and be miserable. It's snowballing your situation. You need to get out of your house and see your friends. You cannot allow your entire happiness to depend on one person. It's not a fair responsibility to burden anyone with and it's certainly not fair on yourself.
8:38 AM
Gareth said…
Yes, what would your fellow Militant Lesbians in the Gender Studies class say, letting a man dictate your comings and goings.

Why, they'd probably force you to shave your legs again, refuse to invite you to the weekly Wednesday night Bra Burning Barbecues.
4:04 PM
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