The Big Relationship Talk
On Thursday night, late, Paul and I had a long conversation about our relationship. Apparently Mr Cancerian has been brooding over ‘us’ for a while, but was waiting until exams were over before discussing anything with me.
The abridged version of the whole thing is that we’re not breaking up. However Paul isn’t sure where we’re going as a couple. Honestly, I share the same feelings. Marriage is an impossibility for us; we’re unemployed; just coming out of studenthood; still living at home with our parents. We’re at a point in our lives where everything is frozen up in the air. If this was 20 or 30 years ago, I think we’d probably already be married with children, in our own place by now.
Essentially, Paul is uncomfortable with the fact that this is his first serious relationship. Its mine too, but for whatever reason the fact that there might be ‘other things’ out there doesn’t bother me. We spoke for a long time about there being a statistic somewhere that couples whose first serious relationship lasts into marriage leads to a much higher likelihood of a successful marriage (of course they say the same thing about arranged marriages). And of course there are a number of people we know who have taken breaks, often years long, from their first love only to end up back with that person, and ultimately married to them.
I suppose we have been in something of a rut lately. Passion has taken a second seat to companionship. Perhaps part of the problem is that we are such compatible partners and friends. We don’t even fight. Obviously friendship and emotional intimacy is a huge part of a serious relationship, but should we have reached this stage so early? Paul made the comment that he always thought he would never be able to be friends again with someone he broke up with; but that recently he’d been thinking we could always continue as friends. Can love just fade passively into friendship? I’d be terrified of losing Paul as my best friend, but at the same time, I don’t know if I could handle hearing about, let alone seeing, him and someone else. I really don’t know.
So anyway we’ve decided to be more honest about our feelings. I, especially, tend to bottle up when Paul is annoying or hurting me. Perhaps the thing that most angers me is when he attempts to force things on me, despite my firm ‘No’s. This applies especially for his desire for me to be ‘more naughty’. I’m quite content to drink continually during an evening but I am not going to get shit-faced in public, and I do not down drinks. That just leads, in my case, to nausea or throwing up, which spoils a potentially really good evening. I refuse to make that sacrifice.
But I do admit I need to be more spontaneous and adventurous in other areas. I tend to find a comfort zone and routine and stick to it, which is not the best for inspiring passion. Meanwhile, Paul needs to be more romantic. He does hurtful things like lean away when I want to kiss him. And it’s been ages since he initiated holding my hand in a cinema or putting his arm around me in public. Physical content is minimal.
So that’s it really. I woke up this morning worrying. It just sucks that everything is so indefinite at this point in our lives. Uncertainty about the future has affected every part of our lives.
The abridged version of the whole thing is that we’re not breaking up. However Paul isn’t sure where we’re going as a couple. Honestly, I share the same feelings. Marriage is an impossibility for us; we’re unemployed; just coming out of studenthood; still living at home with our parents. We’re at a point in our lives where everything is frozen up in the air. If this was 20 or 30 years ago, I think we’d probably already be married with children, in our own place by now.
Essentially, Paul is uncomfortable with the fact that this is his first serious relationship. Its mine too, but for whatever reason the fact that there might be ‘other things’ out there doesn’t bother me. We spoke for a long time about there being a statistic somewhere that couples whose first serious relationship lasts into marriage leads to a much higher likelihood of a successful marriage (of course they say the same thing about arranged marriages). And of course there are a number of people we know who have taken breaks, often years long, from their first love only to end up back with that person, and ultimately married to them.
I suppose we have been in something of a rut lately. Passion has taken a second seat to companionship. Perhaps part of the problem is that we are such compatible partners and friends. We don’t even fight. Obviously friendship and emotional intimacy is a huge part of a serious relationship, but should we have reached this stage so early? Paul made the comment that he always thought he would never be able to be friends again with someone he broke up with; but that recently he’d been thinking we could always continue as friends. Can love just fade passively into friendship? I’d be terrified of losing Paul as my best friend, but at the same time, I don’t know if I could handle hearing about, let alone seeing, him and someone else. I really don’t know.
So anyway we’ve decided to be more honest about our feelings. I, especially, tend to bottle up when Paul is annoying or hurting me. Perhaps the thing that most angers me is when he attempts to force things on me, despite my firm ‘No’s. This applies especially for his desire for me to be ‘more naughty’. I’m quite content to drink continually during an evening but I am not going to get shit-faced in public, and I do not down drinks. That just leads, in my case, to nausea or throwing up, which spoils a potentially really good evening. I refuse to make that sacrifice.
But I do admit I need to be more spontaneous and adventurous in other areas. I tend to find a comfort zone and routine and stick to it, which is not the best for inspiring passion. Meanwhile, Paul needs to be more romantic. He does hurtful things like lean away when I want to kiss him. And it’s been ages since he initiated holding my hand in a cinema or putting his arm around me in public. Physical content is minimal.
So that’s it really. I woke up this morning worrying. It just sucks that everything is so indefinite at this point in our lives. Uncertainty about the future has affected every part of our lives.
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